Cave Trolls: More Brawn Than Brains
by Thurky Msh-thak
We all know these massive beasts who do so much to help our cause. They operate the grim machinery of our gates, haul rocks, and generally lift, push, or pull anything they’re told to. What you might not know is how much work is involved in troll husbandry.
“It’s a lot of work,” says Harg Vomut, Mordor’s new Troll Master. Vomut rose to his new post following the unfortunate dismemberment of the previous master, Furk “Tickler” Klash. “The food requirements alone take up half my time. Nothing grows around here, so everything must be imported.”
Vomut says institutionalized corruption makes procurement a logistical nightmare. “For instance, by the time any oliphant meat makes it to us, it’s been already been picked over by Nazgul, the Warg Masters and who knows how many orcs. We’re lucky to get a snout.”
Because trolls’ dental hygiene is non-existent, they have few teeth, making it difficult for them to chew tough meat. “Everything has to be boiled,” Vomut says. He guided me through an area called “the kitchen,” which consists of nothing more than twenty huge iron pots over fires. “We throw in a lot of vegetation to bulk up their diet. But even that has to be brought in from outside.” Vomut says it’s critical to provide a good diet–including lots of fibre–to the trolls. “It’s hard to motivate a troll who’s not regular.”
Which brought up the issue of sewage management in Mordor. “It’s deplorable,” Vomut says. “I know it’s a matter of pride among all of us. But you can have too much of a good thing, and here in the troll pens, we’ve been overly blessed.” Vomut wants to get the word out to all orcs that troll dung is ready and available. And best of all, it’s free for the taking. “I use it it my own den for cook fires,” says Vomut’s wife Darla Sauronson. “It makes meat taste more acrid, more bitter. Almost as good as if you pulled it fresh from a burning ruin.”
What do the trolls think about their role in the impending destruction of man and elf? It’s hard to get an intelligible word out of them, but when Vomut showed them a straw effigy of an elf lord, a troll called Pip tore it in half and stomped on the pieces. Vomut cautioned me not to read to much into it though. “That’s what happened to Tickler.”